I’ve been a little introspective today.
This morning, Casey and I took the boys (meaning Kenny and Dudley… Dudley is the weimaraner, for any new readers out there… Kenny is the only real child in the house… so far) down to the Naval Academy (which is not at all close to our house) for a walk. Back in the day (that is, the days when I was single, ran 5 or 6 miles every morning and actually folded the laundry that came out of the dryer when it buzzed) I ran there most mornings. I usually timed my run so that I rounded a certain corner on mile four at the same moment the sun crested over the water. (This was tricky, assuming that the earth’s rotation and the seasons make the sun rise at a slightly different time each day, but I was pretty good at catching it in the autumn and spring.) But all this pretty prose and over-use of parathesis are merely to state that my life is a little different now than it was then.
I have to admit that I got a little melancholy as we walked past that corner of the sea wall (only we were on mile one… let’s just say we took the shorter route…). The sun had long since risen, but the view was as gorgeous as ever. I started thinking about who I was before I got married and had Kenny. Rather, I should say, what I did before I got married and had Kenny. I’m still that same woman, aren’t I? Just because I groggily wake up to the sounds of “MAAAAAAMAAAAAA!” at obscenely early hours, instead of purposefully waking up at obscenely early hours to run obscenely long distances before going to work, doesn’t mean that I’ve lost a precious piece of me, does it?
In that introspective and melancholy state, I took a long hard look in the mirror today. I took in the wiggly skin around my middle, the lack of muscle on my legs, the odd tan lines from walking every morning behind a stroller and next to a dog (truly – only one side of one leg is tanned) and the new lines around my eyes and on my forehead. I started to sigh, but then I heard a little peep… Kenny was trying to play peek-a-boo with Dudley, and flashing an impish smile at me, as if to say, “Don’t tell Dudley where I’m hiding!”
So I took another look at myself in the mirror. Would I trade one second of this past year for all I had in those free, simple and in-shape single days? Not on your life! But that got me thinking even deeper. Am I really layering onto my personality, or am I sacrificing some qualities and traits for the sake of new ones? Am I losing sight of all that I am and have been, in exchange for this life as a wife and mom?
I am still a runner… I just haven’t made the effort to be disciplined about it. I am still a singer and an actress, I’ve just been lazy about doing it, using the excuse that I’m just too busy with Kenny to get involved. I am still an interesting friend, I’ve just put off getting together with girlfriends because I feel obligated to focus on my relationship with Casey when Kenny is asleep, instead of going out to a “girl’s night.”
It’s hard to write what I just did, because I know that the reasons I haven’t kept up with those things started from a pure motivation. Kenny takes up a lot of time (news flash, right?), and when he is asleep, I feel like it’s finally time for Casey and I to spend those precious and few hours together. But tonight, he is off at Starbucks doing some work (home is too distracting… another news flash!), and I am here with sleeping boy and dog, after eating way too much ice cream (now what am I blaming the flabby abs on??), contemplating the fact that I haven’t gone out ONCE with girlfriends since Kenny was born. I’ve gone out with Casey. I’ve gone out alone (thanks to a few trips to the spa from Casey). I’m not complaining; it’s more of a revelation of sorts. A realization that I need to continue to cultivate who I am as a whole, not just who I am as a wife and mom. I need friends who I don’t see only at a playgroup or at church, but who I can be girly and giggle with. I need a day of shopping with another female who will talk me into the slightly racy dress or really impractical shoes.
I need to remember to be who I was before.
That’s all part of this story, isn’t it? What kind of wife and mom will I be if all I do is be a wife and mom? I owe it to Casey and Kenny to get out there and still be me. Now the only challenge will be… how. Any words of wisdom out there?
Comments
3 responses to “I Am Who I Was Before”
I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and have been doing some introspection as well. We’ve just moved from TX where we had a nice comfortable life with friends, free babysitters (those same friends), and activities a plenty to keep us occupied. Now we’re in VA (for Jeff to begin his residency) and the network of friends has not come as easily as it did in Lubbock. I have 2.9-less than two weeks till it’s 3-kids to occupy my time and I realized I have not been further than our mailbox-directly across the street-by myself in weeks. It is tough to keep everything in perspective and not loose yourself in the process. I can tell you the time you have away from the house is invaluable, but so is the time Casey and Kenny will have together. There is nothing better than sneaking in the house when you return just to watch them play together. You will likely see a different side to your husband that men tend to push aside themselves when we are around. You can even start small by having the girly get-togethers at your house so you can help with bedtime but still enjoy the time with the girls and gradually work up to being out of the house. Ok, I’ve gone on long enough. I hope this helps a little!
Hi,
When i read this, I think, she must be talking about me. I have two boys, 4 and 21 months old. I am trying to lose weight right now but then when do you get the time. I am not making excuses but the flab thing, well our hormones are still out of wack especially if you are overweight. And when you can’t get some “me” time you need something to make you feel good – like chocolate. I haven’t been out in a long time too cause i am always doing something but still you don’t lose any weight right!? Anyway i just wanted to say i know how you feel, wait until you have another kid and then tell me! Bye and Good Luck, you are not alone.
I find myself thinking about the same stuff especially since I’ve become a stay at home mom. I often find myself wanting to go back to work, not because I don’t love being with my kids, but because of what I am, what I have, and what I get from being away from home. To me that is having my separate life away from family, a chance to be just “me.” But what it comes down to is that I do what’s best for my family. We are always the same person but our priorities just change. We do what we do not for ourselves, but for our family. It takes a lot for someone to be completely selfless and be willing to put your loved ones first. This is something to be proud of. In the mix of everything, we do need to put away that extra time for ourselves every once in a blue moon. We need to give ourselves opportunity to treat ourselves so that we remember that we deserve to look good and feel good because we are the best wives, mothers, daughters, etc. that we can be.