Well, I knew that I was pretty much walking in front of a train when I wrote that last post… (I had just finished watching the O’Reilly Factor and was feeling daring…)
I have to say, though, that I truly do value all the comments and emails I’ve received so far. I especially appreciate the more passionate ones about the value of an early-learning program. I agree heartily that kids need socialization, and moms need breaks to nurture themselves. Kenny and I get ours four times a week: Sunday School, where he learns sweet songs and how many ways to hide goldfish in his pockets while Casey and I get to go to the service in peace; our weekly evening home group, where he is in a basement in controlled chaos with eleven other wild-things and and two harried sitters and Casey and I eat, laugh and talk with the adults upstairs; MOPS, where he is in a class of 2 and 3 year olds reading stories, doing art, learning to interact and having a blast while I am recharging;and finally Casey and my weekly date night, where he is with his much-adored babysitter for several hours while Casey and I play tennis, talk, recharge and re-connect.
Then Kenny and I go to Rolly Pollie once a week, and Casey and Kenny go to swim lessons once a week – times for learning and interaction. And those Saturday morning swim lessons are my “mommy’s morning out” when I can go to the park for long runs, go shopping, get my hair done, and all the things I don’t get to do during the week.
I agree with you, Jen, that doing all your housework and errands while your kids are in their programs, then being able to focus on them 100% otherwise is a good argument for getting the kids into an early-learning setting. I do hate those days when it seems like we’re in the car all day running errands, or when I’m trying to get the house clean and Kenny is bored and underfoot. And you are right… “there are different circumstances in everyone’s life…” Kenny didn’t nap AT ALL until he was 14 months old (he was a great night-time sleeper, but never slept during the day) and there were days then when I would have left him with the first warm body who came along, just so I could take a nap and give my boobs a rest… maybe I have forgotten those days to readily…
Keep your comments coming, please! I wrote the original post because I wanted to know what opinions were there on this matter. Most of the stay-at-home moms I know at this point in my life are fully-reliant on pre-school, but all of those have three or more kids, so their answers to my inquiries on the matter are only ever, “If you had more than one, you would understand.” I wanted a better answer!
Thanks to all who took the time to write, and I am still looking forward to more…
Comments
One response to “Opinion, Part 2”
I don’t have kids yet but I think I fall into the category of wanting to spend every waking minute with my future kids, until I go back to work and put them in daycare. I think I get this way in part b/c I am excited to have babies but also because at work I am surrounded by working moms who desire to spend more times with their kids but because of finances have to work. And to me that is interesting because these are women whose combined family income is six figures or at least approaching that, and they “have to work”. Yet in other jobs I have seen families who prioritize a parent staying home and get by on significantly less than six figures (just saying it’s interesting, not condemning one or the other). I know I will fall into that crowd that because of the possessions I want, and want for my kids, will run around saying I “have to work”, and lamenting the fact that I don’t have as much time with my kids. When I have kids, I intend to take a year off, but because in my mind I will know I will be going back to work I really can’t see myself ever wanting to let someone else provide child care so I can do errands. Basically for the same reasons everyone cites: the time goes by so fast,they are only little once. A few other points that are just really interesting to me:
1) My mom took us kids everywhere she went (4 kids) while Dad worked; it wasn’t always fun (ok it rarely was) but we learned tolerance, patience, and focus like you wouldn’t believe: ie) sometimes you have to be patient while waiting your turn(ie waiting for Mom’s attention b/c right now her focus is finding the cheap groceries, not entertaining kids so entertain yourself. That sounds bad, but I am now grateful for the fact that I was left to entertaining myself sometimes. I know people who were the absolute focus of their parents life for 18 years who take real world challenges sooo hard as a result because they are used to Mom advocating on their behalf, solving every problem etc. In all honesty I think there are great rewards to be found while dragging kids around on errands (teaching them about $$ for one)
2) The whole child care and who provides it is sooooo a relative thing. For example, I am a 24 yr old Cdn and we have yr long pd maternity leaves (the pay isn’t great mind you), so I grew up thinking that anything less than a yr is heartbreaking. Meanwhile my mother is a school teacher (a career that totally lends itself to long absences for childrearing) and tells me that for the sake of the family one parent needs to sacrifice their career and be a primary caregiver. My husband is American, and comes from a culture where 12 weeks and back to work is not that unusual for a new mom. I fall in the middle and want 18 years per kid but will probably take just one year regardless of whether the leave is paid or not. Clearly tho, this is such a personal issue, that seems to have more affect on the parent’s mental wellbeing than the childs growth.
3) and the most interesting of all (to me): as a young twenty something I was raised in a generation with a Rah Rah girl power hype, played college hockey, got a degree and will have a professional designation in less than a year. While I believe this is so necessary in raising a girl (raising her to be self sufficient, educated), I truly believe that there is some instinctive desire in women to care for their husbands and as mother be a primary caregiver, so now I just want to embrace that ’50’s lifestyle that is totally looked down upon by some people nowadays. I didn’t marry for money of course b/c I always knew I could bring home the dough, but wasn’t thinking that I would wake up one morning and want kids, not the responsibility of making the majority of family money. So, while I have it all in that I have an amazing partner, I am faced with this dilemma of having to defer some of the eventual childrearing to others, and honestly, I hate that dilemma. As an outsider looking in, my approach would be all kids/family all the time. There is this book: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World, by Peggy Orenstein which basically concludes that there are a lot of little girls who grew up to be professionals who then wake up one day just wanting to be mommies, and not wanting to defer that job to stay at home dad or daycare or whatever. I think I fall into that category, and while I fully accept it and also recognize that there are many positives in my life as a result of being an educated professional, there is a part of me that wants to have kids and be that constant caregiver. Alas, life is just a bit more complicated…:???: