Kenny has picked up a very bad little habit… one that involves creative story-telling; otherwise known as telling lies. He makes up funny and strange things some of the time, and outright deceiving things other times.
For example, when my Dad watched him so that Casey and I could go to the doctor on Thursday, Kenny told him that “Mama lets me have ice cream after lunch.” Hm. Casey told him to stop climbing on the stair rail, and he shot back, “Mama told me to do it!” Or I”ll try to change his diaper and he’ll say, “Daddy said I don’t have to!”
Casey and I have made a real effort to explain to him that these things are not true – that they are lies, and that we don’t tell lies. I know that he understands that what he says is not true, bu I don’t think he understands the gravity of it. Most of the time, it silly stuff, but once or twice now, it’s been more serious.
Another new issue that’s recently evolved is that he doesn’t want to share things. I know that it’s a normal thing for this age, but it’s something that I want to nip at the bud. It’s one thing to not want to let another kid play with a favorite toy, but quite another when he is just being stubbornly selfish. Today Casey and Kenny and I were coloring before lunch, and Kenny suddenly grabbed up all the crayons and told us that he didnt’ want us to have them anymore. We told him that he needed to share, and he replied, “I don’t want to share! I want them all. I don’t want you to have them.” He does it to me a lot during the day, too. He’ll ask me to play something, but then not want me to touch any of it. Then say, “You help me, Mama!” only to have a fit when I start touching whatever he’s playing. Yuck.
So – all you More Seasoned Moms out there – any advice on how to deal with the lying and the anti-sharing behaviour?
We have been going through the lying business with our daughter as well. Most of the time it is innocent, but we still do not allow it. We correct her each time she tells a lie. We give her the chance to correct herself by asking “Is that the truth or are you making that up”. If she does not take the opportunity to tell us the truth, then she goes to time out. I don’t like to be so harsh, but I REALLY do not want her to continue to think it is okay to lie. After a few days of asking her to correct herself, she has gotten in the habit to tell the truth instead of going to time out. I would just say to stick with it when you catch him. I think kids this age are figuring out the world and what they can and can not do. Good luck.
Whether this is “right” or not, we simply don’t play with ours (and the younger they are, the bigger deal we make out of not playing with them) when they don’t want to share – and we taught the older two to do the same thing with their younger brother. It took a few times, but it worked for us, and when they got older it helped because they learned to walk away when their friends got into sharing issues instead of fighting with them.
As for the lying issue – this is my nightmare issue to deal with (because I don’t know that there is a correct way to deal with it) … the best piece of advice I can offer from my experience is: don’t let them get away with it, don’t make it the huge huge deal it seems to be to you right now, and they will grow out of it if lying doesn’t get them what they want. TRUST ME, I know that is probably not what you want to hear, because that was not the solution that I wanted to hear, but we are going through the lying phase with the youngest right now and the hardest thing for me is to not blow up and lecture and excessively punish every time he does it. THEY DO GROW OUT OF IT!
Now for the amazing thing, you will go through these phases time and time again (at least we have and our oldest is now 11) and that whole consistency thing just becomes more and more important as they get older. The phases grow shorter, but they do continue to test and test and test their boundaries.
I think Debbie is on the right trach about the lying-Ask him “What will Daddy/Mommy say if I ask them about it?” or if he’s lying about putting away toys in his room or something ask “Will I see toys on the floor when I go in your room?” Give him the chance to correct himself, while gently reminding him how we must always tell the truth.
As for the sharing, I have always emphasized taking turns with things-from choosing the music in the car to using the red crayon-because it is a bit more concrete (and seemingly temporary) than sharing. I sometimes use the walk away strategy, but have to be very careful of seeming snobby and creating a “If you don’t play the way I say, I’m leaving” attitude that can stretch way beyond the original intent. I’m most likely to give a warning that if he doesn’t share, I’m taking away the crayons or whatever. If the behavior doesn’t change, I take ’em away and don’t look back.
Ultimately-give them the chance to correct the behavior, then consistently follow through with the consequenses if they don’t. I’m hoping this makes sense, I’m a little hazy this morning.