Kenny is two.
I know lots of kids his age who are in “school.” I just have to get this out, but: It is not SCHOOL! It’s DAY CARE! At least, that is my rather dramatic opinion. I am eager to hear from those readers out there who disagree.
I’m not talking about working moms who put their kids in daycare so they can put food on the table or help support their family, I’m talking about those stay-at-home gals who have convinced themselves that either 1) Their kids will flourish by going to “school” early or 2) they’ve convinced themselves that they “deserve a break” and need a few hours a week “to get things done.”
I say, What planet are you people on? What cultural agenda are you trying to live up to? Kindergarten is right and good and a part of American life, and ok, maybe even pre-k for those so inclined, but you cannot reasonably convince yourself or anyone else that anything earlier than that is “school” anymore than I can convince myself that taking my dog to the kennel for the day is “social-skill-building-time.”
Being a mom is hard. It’s way harder than working nine-to-five or getting your masters degree. It’s frustrating, it’s draining, it’s occasionally boring (did I say that?) and it will sometimes make you contemplate a martini at three in the afternoon. But’s it’s real. It’s hugs and kisses and hearing your little guy whisper to himself after lights out the song you sang to him all afternoon. It’s getting pee’d on in the bathroom at Nordstrom’s while they sit on a too-big toilet seat and still saying, “Good job for pee-peeing in the potty!” It’s putting carrots on their plate for the 8,oooth time and watching them suddenly eat them. It’s pretending to fold laundry while actually sneaking a peak at them “reading” a book and getting almost all the words right on the right pages. It’s hearing them count to twelve on their own, then tentatively look up at you and whisper, “turd-teen?”
Why are we believing a lie that there are other people out there that are better equipped to teach and mold those precious little hearts? And why are we believing that we Moms deserve time off? And I can’t tell you how many people have thrown at me, “well, if you had more than one, you’d understand.” I’d cut off my foot for another baby. Maybe that’s why I’m so passionate about this; I want to soak up every minute I can being a mom and being close to a little person that is part of me.
So … I would love to hear some of your thoughts from both sides of the arena… What do you think?
Comments
13 responses to “A Dramatic Matter of Opinion”
I say Amen sister!! I have a friend who keeps trying to “peer pressure” me into putting my 15 mo. old into a Mother’s Day Out program. I didn’t have this child so that someone else could take care of him. This is precious time, and I say time well spent. Before long they will be asking for the keys and then off to college. You can’t get this time back. Enjoy every happy, silly, tedious and sometimes mind numbing minute of it!!!!!
Wow! I never thought I’d disagree with one of your postings but I really disagree with this one. My daughter is the same age as Kenny. I also have a son who is turning 4 next week. I am a stay at home mom and my daughter and son both attend pre-SCHOOL. They both go two mornings a week so 6 hours. I have no other help during the week. It is not so I can “get a break” or be lazy though I am able to run errands so they don’t have to go to the store with me. Here is why: We moved from Washington DC to Kansas City last year when she was 8 months old and knew no one. No one–no friends no family. We were isolated. My son is very social and outgoing, yet my daughter was extremely shy b/c we didn’t have any mommy groups or friends for quite awhile. She would shake in fear around strangers and didn’t play with others. This year, after she turned two in August, I thought I’d try preschool this year with her b/c my son loves it so much. She LOVES it and she has become a social butterfly. We are a lot more active outside of preschool too and she has friends now at preschool and those that we have met. I still spend a lot of time with them especially since neither nap. I would say bravo to you if you spend every single minute of your entire day with Kenny and not sidetracked with other things…email, phone calls, daily life management including bills, errands, etc. I do these things during the 6 hours they are LOVING their preschool time with very close friends and loving teachers so that one they are home, they have every moment with me, not distracted by anything and not going from store to store as I know some parents do. Oh…and we spend weekends as a family going to the zoo, park, on adventures, etc because I have taken care of household things during those 6 hours while they are HAVING FUN. Yes, I have moments where I cry because I don’t want them to grow up but they truly love it and love all of the free time we have when they are home.
And by the way, all of the things you mention as having witnessed, I, as a mom who sends my 2 and 4 year old to preschool, witness and love too. In fact, I witness more now that she has come out of her shell. My parting words are there are different circumstances in everyone’s life…as you know…so perhaps less judgment on those that send their kids to preschool.
Preschool is all a matter of choice and opinion. I really enjoy the idea of preschool as a way to learn sharing, socialization, and respect for authority. My sister in law home schools her daughters and they have never had any teacher other than her. My nieces have very little respect for authority and question everything. Which is great but we live in a society were you need to respect your parents, teachers, bosses and the law. I chose to send my children to preschool two days a week when they turned three. When I chose the school I chose a place that I was excited about. A safe place for my child to learn and grow a few hours a week. I honestly believe that moms do deserve a time out, a small break. I feel like it can be truly hard to do the same job constantly without taking some time for yourself. I am a better mom when I nurture myself a little. But I don’t send them to preschool so I can have a break.
I was completely convinced that I would never, ever put my child into a “program”. My husband and I made sacrifices so that I could stay home and NOT have them in a “program”. That didn’t really last long. My husband pretty much told me that I needed to put Princess in a Mother’s Day Out program when she was about three months old (yes, pick your jaw up). I was ragged. I was drained. I got very little – if any – “time off” to recharge. He saw that I needed some help. I had to have something. Some friends of mine had a kind of baby-sitting co-op going where one mom watched two other kids while the two other moms had a morning out. That meant that every three weeks I’d have to watch three kids. I’m not good at watching other people’s kids. So I found a “program” and Princess went one day a week. For a while. Then she did so well, and I did so well, that I expanded it to two days a week. When Buddy was born, we did the same thing. It’s probably the single best thing I did for them in their early years. I will explain.
I love being a mom. I really do. I love the kisses, the games, the teachable moments, making cookies on a whim, going to the park spur-of-the-moment, etc. And I agree that it’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. And both of my kids are “mama’s kids”. If I’m around, they are on ME. I was drained. It affected my parenting. I started to resent the fact that I had no time for me. Hubby tried to help, but he was busy, too and by the end of the day – when he would tell me to go to Barnes and Noble and have some tea or something – I was too exhausted to get out of the house. Mother’s Day Out gave me a break. Yes, I needed one. Not everyone does. But I did.
Plus, they got to do fun crafts, play with other kids their age and be around adults other than Hubby and myself. They also got to go on field trips starting at age 3. I went on about 90% of the field trips with them! They were fun! We got to tour Krispy Kreme and decorate our own doughnuts!
Yes, sometimes I feel a bit guilty. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s not much time at all each week. It allowed me to schedule doctor appointments, hair appointments, go grocery shopping, and have lunch with Hubby alone. And the few times that I was down with a cold it allowed me to rest. I honestly have never regretted enrolling either of my kids in that “program”. I felt guilty a couple of times, but I’ve never looked back and said that I wish I’d never done it. I do know that it’s not for everyone. Some people can be recharged during nap time. I just couldn’t.
And as a bonus, when we were looking for a private school for Princess, we found a University Model school. She goes to classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I home school her on Wednesdays and Fridays. It’s the same “school” schedule she had at Mother’s Day Out. It was ideal because there was no transition from two days a week to five.
So . . . that’s my two cents’ worth! I look forward to reading more opinions!
While I agree with the others who commented about preschool being good in ways, I really want to comment about your last statement:
And I can’t tell you how many people have thrown at me, “well, if you had more than one, you’d understand.” I’d cut off my foot for another baby. Maybe that’s why I’m so passionate about this; I want to soak up every minute I can being a mom and being close to a little person that is part of me.
I know you are aching to have another child and when people say the comment above to you it probably seems very insensitive and I understand how you feel about it, but i just wanted to add that I don’t think people mean it in the way you hear it. I think when someone says “if you had more than one, you’d understand.” they mean it in the absolute literal way: if you had 2 or more children you would understand the mindset of moms with multiple children. They don’t mean “well if you would go ahead and have another one maybe you’d see” which is how psychologically it may make you feel because you’ve had such a hard time.
I think it is wonderful and inspirational to read about your love and devotion to Kenny. It is awesome that you want to enjoy every minute of his life and from what I read, you really mean it while some people just say that because it sounds nice.
Some have posted how they need a break or they use the time to run errands/make phone calls and in part have better quality time with their kids, but also consider everyone is at a different place in life. Some struggle financially, or in their marriage, or with boredom from not working anymore, or many other reasons which are too many to list and I’m sure that takes a toll on their emotions which in turn takes a toll on parenting. My personal situation is that of I had kids soon after marriage and before graduating from college (I was 19 when I had my first and 21 with my second) so while I’m not giving up my precious time with my children to go finish my degree, I will say that i am looking forward to the time they are in school (school school, probably not preschool) and I can also go to school to learn about and work in the field I came to love in college…. psychology 🙂
We only met a few times, but I’ve continued to read your blog and have been in constant prayer for you through your pregnancies. I wept for you in your times of loss and prayed that you would be able to use this all for Gods glory.
I don’t usually comment, but the emotion in this post sparked something inside of me.
Hi honey – (I guess today I am on an email marathon 🙂 ) You and all of your friends make valid points. I work with a young woman that I jokingly say is my “other daughter.” She is bright, loving, and one of the best moms I know. She would not have to work financially, but chooses to. She is 27 years old and has a 4 and 2yr old ( bright, funny, loving, respectful kids) She arranged for them to be in day care full time at 6 weeks. I do not completely understand as I chose a different road. However, her kids are wonderful – she adores being a mom (and is hoping to have at least one more baby). I believe this is one time for all of you to support your “sisters” in their choices. You are all making the right choice for your family. I think that most moms worry that they might make a mistake and place alot of value on how their friends are raising their children. Reading the comments on mommyblog and half my heart convinces me that you are all bright, loving moms. Kristjana is right. Jennifer is right. Jen is right. Andrea is right. Milaka is right. and Stephanie is right.
Wow, I am a frequent reader of your blog, and I was surprised at this post. I stay home with my two boys, ages 5 and (almost) 3. The oldest has been in preschool (now Pre-K) since he was 3 and it has been a great experience. I think the decision of whether or not your child goes to a program/preschool/whatever is a very personal one and can’t really be made into one that is black or white. I am glad that I made the choice to stay home with my sons and temporarily put my career on hold but that does not mean I don’t want a break from the “mommy! mommy! mommy! mommy!” once in a while, nor does it mean that we don’t deserve a break! I will go through these phases where I don’t allow myself to take a break from the kiddos for several weeks and I just know what it does to me — but that’s just me! Everyone is different and I think everyone can handle taking care of their children differently — whether it be all mom all the time, or in conjunction with a preschool/daycare/etc. I think it is quality, not quantity, right? If we are raising our kids to be good and conscientious people what does it matter how we get to that end?
“And why are we believing that we Moms deserve time off?”
I’ll tell you why….because my husband can go to yoga at work
any time he wants. :mrgreen::mrgreen::mrgreen:
I guess I feel the same as you do Kristjana. I’m still working full time outside the home and I get upset everytime I have to walk out that door and leave my son with someone else. My hubby keeps him part time, but he also works outside the home parttime and the grandparents keep him. I get the evenings after 6pm with him and that’s the time he’s winding down. From 6pm on includes eating supper and getting him ready for bed. Then I get to spend time with him on the weekends. I treasure every minute I get. Normally he goes to bed around 8:30 or 9:00pm but last night he went a little later because I was enjoying him so much. I want to be able to teach him things. When I hear that someone else heard him say something for the first time or saw him do something for the first time, it hurts me bad because I missed it. Those firsts are things I won’t ever get back. They are gone. I can’t hit rewind and replay. We keep going forward and I’ve missed them.
I’m still trying to find a way to stay at home with my son and the other one due in Dec. We’re cutting out alot of stuff these days….prioritizing. What do we REALLY need.
If I don’t homeschool (I’m actually looking into that too), we may put him in kindergarten at age 4 but not earlier. Let them play. They can play and learn at the same time. These little guys are a gift from God to me and my husband. He picked me and my husband to be their parents and I want to do the best I can raising them.
Even when I do the laundry (when Josh is up and at ’em), he comes in there to me and I show him what I ‘m doing and he helps me by getting the clothes out of the hamper and hands them to me. (He’s 19 mo). Then I pick him up and show him what the washing machine is doing. We’ll go to the dishwasher and he’ll help me with that.
I’m not disagreeing with the others who wrote on here, but for me personally, I want to be the one to teach my son. He’ll still have a social life. I realize we moms need a break sometimes, but to me, being with my kids and teaching them is my ministry. They are our responsibility.
I’ve been contemplating my answer since I read your posted it. I suppose there are several points I want to make.
1. Belle is a very shy person and has been completely attached to me her whole life. She absolutely adores me (to the point of not even wanting her father to care for her) and generally I love that about her. But at the same time, I think it could lead to trouble if I do not make certain to encourage her to persue life outside of me. When we would go places like playgroup for our “socialization” she would stick close to me almost the entire time. Not much independance going on there. I whole-heartedly believe that part of my duty to my children is to foster that sense of independance and clearly that was not happening when I was around. So I signed her up for a Mother’s Day Out program one day a week when she was three. I do not believe I missed any special moments of her life by helping her become stronger away from me. We kept going to playgroup and play dates, too. And I witnessed a great transformation in her ability to separate from me.
2. I love that my kids have other adults in their lives to look up to and revere with absolute adoration. When Belle was 4 she would say “I love Grandma. I love Mimi. I love (her teacher) Mrs. Ford.”
3. I ask my kids each day about what they have learned at school. This has openned up many examples of how to act/not to act, new games to play, new songs to sing, etc. It also gives us a chance to talk about missing one another while we were apart and how Mommy will always come back.
4. I don’t think it’s fair to your child to suddenly throw them into an all day, 5 day a week Kindergarten with no prior school experience. There are certain things that are difficult to reproduce at home such as: raising your hand and waiting patiently while other children are getting help, accepting love and instruction from another adult in a non-home environment, walking in a line through hallways, how to fight their own battles and get help when they need it, etc.
5. I don’t really see how putting a child in the nursery for church or a Bible study is all that different from preschool-You are allowing another adult to care for the needs of your child while you tend to yourself.
6. Here’s the thing about having multiple children: You know all that time that you are able to spend with JUST Kenny right now? Well add another in the mix and you find that you are able to carve out time with just the older one during nap times, but what about time alone with the baby? Add a third in the mix, and it becomes that much more complicated. I rarely, if ever, got any time alone with Little Lamb all summer long. Now that Belle is in Kindergarten and Little Bear goes to preschool two days a week (for a total of 6 hours), I get a little alone time while LL sleeps and then I get some time with just her. It’s a gift to her, not me.
I’m sure there are many typos and mispellings in her, but it’s Saturday now and I want to be with my family. Perhaps if you had simply said “Many of my friends are putting their kids in preschool and have suggested I do the same. I think it’s too early for Kenny and here’s why I think that…” it would not have sounded so judgemental. Everyone gets to make their own decisions based on the experiences of their family. It’s fine to share your own opinions, but do we need put others down for their decisions?
I just read your comment and as much as you hate hearing the “if you had more than one you would understand.” I want to let you know that there is quite a difference betweem having one child and multiple.
When my daughter was born, I stayed at home for the first two years of her life and could not fathom the idea of her spending time with strangers as I am her best teacher. My daughter is extremely intelligent and I felt this was the best decision for my child.
Things changed after the birth of my son. I was drained. The children would nap at different times and wake up at different times during the night.
My husband was in the early part of his career which meant putting in late hours from time to time and occasional weekends (on salary w/out overtime). Naturally, when my husband returned home, he would be tired and I would allow him to rest and recoup. There was noone to allow me to recoup.
My husband talked me into putting the children in childcare once a week and it is the best decision I ever made. I get one day a week to run errands and do something for myself. At first I felt guilty, but then I noticed that I had more patience for my children and had more energy to focus on their needs and happiness since I took the time to take care of myself. My daughter even looks forward to her one day a week, because my daycare offers ballet lessons and she gets to play with her friends on her “fun day”.
Keep in mind that everyone may not have the funds for swimming lessons or a spouse who can clock out at or before 5 pm. With all do respect, please reserve judgement until you have two toddlers fighting for your attention when you’ve had two hours of sleep. People have different coping mechanisms and if childcare helps some mommies be better parents, then so be it.
That’s the opinion of one mommy with a 3 year old, 23 month old, and one on the way. Had you written this blog two years ago (when I had only one child), I would have agreed with you whole-heartedly.
You all make really good points. And I guess you could say that I am kind of in the middle of the road on this one. I really LOVE being my children’s first teacher. I always wanted to be an elementary teacher, it just never happened for me. I love being a SAHM and wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it is also important (for ALL mom) to be able to recharge from time to time. It reduces your stress and makes you a better mommy. I do think that some moms may put there kids into certain programs for the wrong reasons (although that doesn’t seem to be the case with the moms that have responded to this blog). Socialization is important and that is why my little ones are in t-ball and I take them to the occasional mommy and me get together. I think it is good for kids to spend time with other kids their age from time to time. I know from personal experience that if a child doesn’t know how to socialize when they start school, it can be very hard for them to make friends and may even make them a target for being picked on. That is what happened to me when I went to kindergarten. I was very shy and didn’t know how to talk to people. I spent most of my childhood alone playing in a corner by myself. I don’t mean to scare anyone, I just think it is important to know what can happen.
I think we really need to respect everyone’s opinion and values. What works for one family may not work for another. The secret is balance.
Shameless plug:
I have been so successful in teaching my children at home to get them ready for kindergarten, that I decided to start a website to help other parents who wish to do the same and just may not know where to start.
My site is http://www.bestkindergartenlearning.com . Check it from time to time as I am still adding pages to it all the time. Hope you find it helpful!